The Ex-Factor

I bring up The Ex a lot, so I figured I’d let you know the history, just so it might give you some perspective.

We met in high school, he was 15 I was 18. Yes he was a younger guy; we were 2 years, 5 months and one day apart. It started off innocently enough. I asked him to Sadie Hawkins after meeting him and becoming friends with him on the swim team. He was the class clown and made everybody laugh, and I had just gone through a rough time with some other boy so I figured some comic relief would be good for me. We had a really good time at the dance and we became fast friends. That summer, we spent hours every night chatting on AIM (back before gmail). We talked about everything and we were both so open and honest with each other. When the summer was over and it was time for me to go back east for college, we had to say goodbye. We knew nothing serious could ever start between us because of the age difference and the distance; the cards weren’t right for us.

But we continued our friendship online. Unfortunately, I was under the impression that college was all about meeting as many guys as possible and I did everything I could to make this true. This didn’t help The Ex and we had our share of ups and downs. Finally, after my Freshman year was over, I came back home for the summer and we decided to be together officially. I just couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. None of the guys I had met in college respected me as much as he did or listened to me the way he did. Basically, I realized I knew that I was never going to find anyone who would treat me like he did.

We spent the next three years doing the long distance thing. The first year was hard, as we only got to see each other three times during the school year (christmas, spring break, and he came to visit in april). But even when I studied abroad in Italy, he came to visit me and we took a romantic getaway to Venice. We had our share of good times and bad times. We had a lot of trust issues and anger issues. But through it all, we knew we were going to be together forever. Getting married wasn’t a matter of “if,” but simply “when.”

After college, I moved back home while he attended school about an hour away. I had a flexible job so I could leave work early and go visit. We managed to see each other at least twice a week during the school year. Things slowly started to deteriorate though the last year. He was applying to medical school and was busy with applications, studying for the MCAT, while also going to school, and being on the basketball team, and being a youth group leader at his church. When he finally ended up having three weeks off for the summer before summer school started, he decided to go to Europe. I understood it was an amazing opportunity, but my anger, hurt and resenment for being pushed aside while he did all his other work and activities led us to take a break.

When he got back, we continued to work on the relationship but it was pretty much the beginning of the end. I felt he wasn’t trying hard enough; he felt he was doing the best he could. I felt I was making all the sacrifices to be with him; he felt he was doing his fair share. I wanted him to make me a priority; he claimed I already was.

It seemed that no matter how hard we tried, neither of us could shake off the resentment we felt toward one another.

The final straw came during Christmas break. We went on a trip to Vegas with friends and when we returned, there were only 2 days left before he had to return to school. His parents weren’t in town so I knew he had no family or friend obligations. I called him in the afternoon and he said he was eating lunch and he would call me back. Two hours later, he calls me. I asked him what he had been doing all day and he said he had just been lounging around.

I couldn’t contain myself. I was beyond hurt that the only two days he had left to spend with me, he would rather be doing nothing by himself than call me and hang out with me. After four and a half years together, I ended it.

The next month or so, we kept the idea of getting back together up in the air. But after I visited him in an attempt to make it work, we decided to go our separate ways. It was hard, but I think we both knew it was the right thing to do. We still hoped that one day, five years in the future, we would find ourselves single and able to fall in love again.

But that was before I began dating He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. I pretty much started dating as soon as I broke up with my ex. It wasn’t the smartest idea on the planet, I know, but it was the only way I could stop thinking about him. When The Ex found out, it pretty much crushed him.

We stopped contact for a few months, and every now and then I’ll recieve an email from him about some artist he thinks i should check out.

I wrote him a letter when we were trying to figure out whether we should stay together or move on. And I wrote: “No matter what, I know that I can’t, I CAN’T, spend the rest of my life with someone else knowing that you exist.”

A part of me still believes that’s true…