In today’s society, it seems as if everyone and their dog is cohabitating before marriage. It’s an accepted norm and people who choose to wait until after marriage are sort of seen as the pariahs whose marraiges are destined to fail because they didn’t give it a test run.
I have one couple friend who moved in together before they were engaged. However, he soon proposed and they are now on their way to the altar. They have a very stable relationship and it doesn’t seem to me that they moved in together as a “test-run;” it was more of a prelude to marriage, as if it were inevitable that they would get married. I think these couples, out of all the live-in couples, have the best chance of surviving marriage.
Another couple friend I know only recently moved in together. They had been dating for almost a year and the moving in part seems more of a test run. They even devised a no-hurt clause, where after three months of living together, they would decide whether it was working and if it wasn’t, he would move back out with neither of them being “hurt.” Now to me, this just sounds like communism– Good on paper, not so good in practice. I don’t believe their union will last for a few reasons: 1) that ridiculous no-hurt clause. 2)by even suggesting a clause, this seems like it’s more of a contract of a living relationship, rather than the precursor to marriage and 3) they had substantial relationship problems before and I don’t believe living together will fix them.
Yet, another couple I knew, but wasn’t friends with, had been living together for about 4 years. They began dating in college and they were now 26 and 28 respectively. The girl became increasingly frustrated because the guy wouldn’t propose. This eventually led to many arguments until it finally culminated in one big one. A month later, he proposed.
Now there are many reasons I would never live with someone before I get married and one is because I never want to have to beg or threaten my future husband to marry me. The second being, if you’re already living together than what is so special about getting married beside the title? There would be no honeymoon stage.
And yes, I have heard the arguments of people wanting to know the little quirks and such of your significant other, but let me tell you..I dated my ex for four years. After four years, and several weekends together, I knew his quirks. I knew he wasn’t a morning person, I knew he was lazy, messy, didn’t like to cook, was always hot when I was always cold, never took out the trash, etc, etc, etc. I think after a year or two of dating, you would know the quirks in a person, or else you really haven’t been dating that seriously.
I’m not even relying on statistics to make my point. I’m just simply stating why I think it’s crazy and boring to live together before marriage. Sort of another excuse for guys to continue to string along girls they’re just not that into…and i think it’s speaks very low of us girls that we keep buying into that bullshit. If he doesn’t love you enough, respect you enough and care about you enough to marry you first, then why are you taking his crap?
I think couples who live together only after they’re married, go into it thinking, “ok it sucks that she does that but whatever it’s not that big of a deal and i better get used to it now because I’m going to be with her for the rest of my life,” rather than couples who live together before marriage and go into it thinking “wow, i can’t believe she does that, i don’t think i can live with that for the rest of my life, maybe this isn’t going to work.”
What do you think? Am I too old-fashioned?
Filed under: Dating/Relationships, Friends, Respect
call me old fashion too, but i completely agree. after dating for 1-2 yrs, you would pretty much know all the quirks. one does not need to live together to learn if they are compatible. if u love the person, you will learn to accept the quirks and maybe one day find it cute. people are too afraid to commit. these “test runs” further encourage society that “if you’re not sure, then try it out. you can always bail.”
it’s not so much that society has changed but more of how people are afraid. (i can go on more but i’ll spare you)
Wow you put everything I wanted to say in a much more concise post! I like knowing I’m not the only one who still wants to wait till after I’m married to move in with someone…
we’re not alone. there are others out there, but we are in the minority
Thanks for giving me another perspective on this. My BF asked me to move in with him last weekend and I told him not until we’re engaged. I’ve been second guessing myself ever since. I still think I’m going to move in but I’m going to wait a few months. He’s not ready for another marriage and honestly, if it were not to work out, I’d rather not deal with the legal issues. We’re both not the type to fight and bicker over possessions. I appreciate your honesty and openness in this post.
See, I don’t think what you’re saying is a bad idea. Because it sounds like you’re not going to be waiting around for him to propose and you’re realistic about the idea that it might not work out. If you’re okay with not getting married, then it sounds like a really good idea. Just don’t move in with the expectation that he’ll propose eventually. However, if you DO want to get married, then I would strongly encourage you to let this relationship go. You could be spending five years with Mr. Wrong, when you could have been searching those five years for Mr. Right.
I was reading some of your posts and came across this one. And I totally agree and thought I was one of the few people in my age group that believe in this, I have one other friend that also feels this way but we’re a rare breed.
If you’re moving in together, why not just get married? Throwing the same argument back to those who don’t believe in marriage, the biggest difference is that in one case it’s a marriage certificate and one’s without. No one is saying you have a huge hoopla of a wedding or anything. It’s what you make of it. Plus I like the idea of having my own place until I get married, a place that you call your own.
I moved in with my boyfriend after only dating for six months, and it worked out very well. (Note: I had dated him before, though, many many moons ago.) But we already knew we’d work out pretty well. Our relationship before moving in together was great, though.
It’s ridiculous to assume that when a relationship at its most basic, least complicated, least involved isn’t working, adding further responsibility, stress, involvement, complications, etc. will make the relationship better. If its broke, fix it or get rid of it. You can’t expect it to take on new functionalities when it can’t do what it’s supposed to to begin with!